The Mirror

Have you ever looked into the mirror and didn't like what you saw. Whether it be because of a small blemish like a pimple, a cold sore or maybe because you have just noticed that you've put on a few kilos. Can you imagine that those blemishes you saw have covered about 75% of your body? Can you imagine a very bad sunburn on the majority of your body? Can you feel the soreness, the tightening of the skin, the dryness, the heat? If you can imagine that (or have experienced this) then you might have a better understanding of how I feel on a day to day basis.

Now I'm not complaining. I just wanted you to think about it. To put yourself in someone else's shoes for a minute. To get a perspective from the other side so to speak.

I looked in the mirror this morning and I didn't really like what I saw. Not that I ever do like it. I hate looking in the mirror unless I am fully clothed and I am so thankful that I don't have a full length mirror anywhere in my home! Anyway, I had just gotten out of the shower and to get my towel I need to go near the mirror. I honestly didn't like what I saw. I looked a little more carefully than I normally would. I turned to have a look at my back to see how 'covered' it is. You know if I wasn't so surprised I would probably have cried.

It got me thinking about how others see me. I honestly don't care what 'strangers' think any more. I am way past that. But I was thinking what do my friends see when they look at me. Do they even notice my skin any more? Do they see that I am flaring? Do they know sometimes it hurts to even walk or move? Do they see how red my face is and think is it sunburn or just her skin flaring? Maybe they don't even see that at all. Maybe they think that I will always look like this.

I was also thinking what does Mark see when he looks at me? I know he loves me but what does he see? Does he see the P or just me? He never complains about how bad it looks or even feels. So maybe he doesn't see it at all. I still get quite self-conscious when I am getting dressed and he is in the room. I don't want him to see me in all my glory. To see how bad my skin is. I sometimes dread that he may come into the bathroom and see me when I am in the shower. I wonder what he thinks.
What do my children see? Do they just see Mum? Do they see the skin and how red it is? How flaky it is? How covered I am?

Maybe I am just paranoid and am worrying over nothing at all. I guess I will never know unless I ask them and I don't think I can do that. Not yet.